We become wise through experience. It is why it is vital we acknowledge all our emotions. To deny them is to only push them into dark corner within creating inner chaos, turmoil and deep pain.
Beginning 2012 my life had been a day to day if not minute to minute effort to even want to survive. Losing everything literally knocked me on my ass. Of all the things that happened watching my hopes and dreams defiled was the hardest. The intangible things.
I learned what my parents referred to as a nervous breakdown is really an emotional breakdown. Desperately trying to tread water and awkwardly reaching out to those involved for some help in healing and closure. I was considered insane and indeed they were right. I was insanely looking for my sanity. Some life preserver to try and sort out what just happened.
It took months of exile, crying in the wilderness where no one could hear except the trees and creatures of the wilderness. The tears were loud sobs, pleas for help and guidance from God, my guardians, my ancestors. Months of healing work in the mountains and on the back roads in my 1991 van..
Nine months later I thought the pain was released at last. I thought I was strong enough to head back to where it all happened. Alas, returning to civilization I was faced once again with those I could not stand up to and I floundered falling into the emotion of hate. I did not want to hate. True spiritual people do not hate! I fought and fought the loathing I felt for those that took advantage of me when I was at my most vulnerable. Those that evicted me from my years of dreams, the dreams that kept me somewhat sane while living in a house with a mean spirited man. Piles of research and papers and files to fulfill my dream of a spiritual center was the catalyst for my hope. To see them disgraced and mocked was more than I could bare. Eventually the hate turned towards myself, hating myself for hating. It all became a tornado of unrecognizable colors and murkiness. The Light within was hidden and dim. I was lost in the abyss.
This is when a journal can be your teacher. Rereading the entries I saw all the flags and still did not stand up for my rights. My spirit guides were giving messages over and over to abort the ventures, instead I became frustrated and not so happy or friendly. I was taught to be afraid of confrontations so I weakly stood back and watch years of visions being taken. I went from one overwhelmingly toxic relationship only to fall into the midst of another.
Here's what I discovered. ~ it was my own doing. I allowed this all to take place with my own cowardly ways. My fear of confrontation. Now I look back on that emotional breakdown and realized it was The Dark Knight of the Soul. It was the Gift from above, the brick my guides finally had to throw at me and say "snap out of it, you have languished in the path of no boundaries for too long. Accept your hate, accept your frailties and honor your vulnerabilities and above all honor your boundaries."
That sacred apple was eaten. I have since planted another tree with a healed and healthy foundation, I no longer hate. Doing the inner house work has exposed the Gift of the Light within. I have become all the wiser for it all.
Beginning 2012 my life had been a day to day if not minute to minute effort to even want to survive. Losing everything literally knocked me on my ass. Of all the things that happened watching my hopes and dreams defiled was the hardest. The intangible things.
I learned what my parents referred to as a nervous breakdown is really an emotional breakdown. Desperately trying to tread water and awkwardly reaching out to those involved for some help in healing and closure. I was considered insane and indeed they were right. I was insanely looking for my sanity. Some life preserver to try and sort out what just happened.
It took months of exile, crying in the wilderness where no one could hear except the trees and creatures of the wilderness. The tears were loud sobs, pleas for help and guidance from God, my guardians, my ancestors. Months of healing work in the mountains and on the back roads in my 1991 van..
Nine months later I thought the pain was released at last. I thought I was strong enough to head back to where it all happened. Alas, returning to civilization I was faced once again with those I could not stand up to and I floundered falling into the emotion of hate. I did not want to hate. True spiritual people do not hate! I fought and fought the loathing I felt for those that took advantage of me when I was at my most vulnerable. Those that evicted me from my years of dreams, the dreams that kept me somewhat sane while living in a house with a mean spirited man. Piles of research and papers and files to fulfill my dream of a spiritual center was the catalyst for my hope. To see them disgraced and mocked was more than I could bare. Eventually the hate turned towards myself, hating myself for hating. It all became a tornado of unrecognizable colors and murkiness. The Light within was hidden and dim. I was lost in the abyss.
This is when a journal can be your teacher. Rereading the entries I saw all the flags and still did not stand up for my rights. My spirit guides were giving messages over and over to abort the ventures, instead I became frustrated and not so happy or friendly. I was taught to be afraid of confrontations so I weakly stood back and watch years of visions being taken. I went from one overwhelmingly toxic relationship only to fall into the midst of another.
Here's what I discovered. ~ it was my own doing. I allowed this all to take place with my own cowardly ways. My fear of confrontation. Now I look back on that emotional breakdown and realized it was The Dark Knight of the Soul. It was the Gift from above, the brick my guides finally had to throw at me and say "snap out of it, you have languished in the path of no boundaries for too long. Accept your hate, accept your frailties and honor your vulnerabilities and above all honor your boundaries."
That sacred apple was eaten. I have since planted another tree with a healed and healthy foundation, I no longer hate. Doing the inner house work has exposed the Gift of the Light within. I have become all the wiser for it all.
